“The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.”
-Ecclesiastes
Or as General Disarray once put it, “Simpsons did it!”
Just because something has been done before doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing again. When I saw this tweet from Ian Hartitz the procrastination portion of my brain was activated and I knew I wouldn’t be getting anything remotely productive done this morning.
A serial procrastinator can’t unsee this. Or ignore it. And does the world really need another article telling them that Mac Jones is a better QB than Cam Newton when it’s already painfully obvious? Maybe. But it needs round one of the NFL All Mascot Challenge more.
The Bracket
Seeding
I basically followed the compass clockwise starting with the North divisions on each side.
The Rules
Originally I thought that the human characters shouldn’t have weapons, but quickly realized that would result in all human mascots getting toasted. So I am allowing weapons appropriate to the historical period of the mascot, but animals vs armed humans get at least a 2-1 advantage to balance this out.
Animals vs animals and humans vs humans will fight in single combat. There is only one aquatic animal, the Dolphin, but in order to get to a fair fight, I am allowing each animal to fight the other in its own natural turf.
Round 1: FIGHT!
The NFC
Bears were destined to win round 1 against the Packers, as a Bear would basically eat the “cheese packer” and then eat whatever cheese he was packing for dessert.
Vikings vs Lions was a little tougher, as Vikings were some tough mofos what with all the raping and pillaging and axe throwing. But with a 2-1 advantage, I’m banking on the Lions chomping some serious Viking ass as they try to wrench their axes free of some Lion kills. Plus after seeing fellow pillager after fellow pillager get chomped, fear would set in, even for a hardy crew of Vikings.
Cowboys vs Eagles would have been tougher if there had been no guns allowed, but Cowboys were generally good with a shot, and even outnumbered two to one, could pluck multiple eagles out of the air without reloading. Not a rout, but Cowboys take it.
Since the WFT has neglected to choose a mascot for two years in a row, their mascot is George Washington by default, vs a Giant. Since I am not allowing for out of period weapons, Washington without an army and equipped only with a musket fires a single shot at the Giant, and is quickly clubbed to death and eaten whilst reloading. WFT, just pick one already, it’s going on year two. Be the Rhinos for fucks sake. Anything is better than nothing.
Panthers vs Falcons was a tough one. After all, both are apex predators in their respective realms. A Falcon can attack from above with blinding speed, and could do some serious damage to the panther, but I think the panther could use terrain to its advantage, and eventually strike. The Falcon would have to basically peck the panther to death, whereas the panther only needs a single strike to win. Plus, after reviewing multiple cat vs bird videos on youtube, I’m liking claws vs beaks. Check out this Lynx:
Buccaneers vs Saints was tough. As someone already pointed out, Saints are already dead, so how do you kill that which is already dead?
But how did these people become Saints in the first place? Let’s just examine two at random, St. Valentine and St. Peter. St. Peter was crucified UPSIDE DOWN by Nero, the biggest and craziest bastard of all the Roman Emperors, so you know he got it bad. Valentine, under “Claudius the Cruel” (who sounds like a WWE character), was beaten to death AND beheaded. Point being, I don’t think having “God on their side” is going to help much in death because it certainly didn’t in life.
If we’ve learned anything from Pirates of the Caribbean—the most trustworthy source of historical information about Buccaneersthey are into some seriously voodoo shit. I wouldn’t put it past them to figure out how to cast Saints into hell, and given what we know about God, he’d probably just let it happen as some kind of sick lesson.
Edge, Buccaneers.
Cardinals vs Rams is counter-intuitive but an easy call. A ram basically has one method of attack, banging its head into stuff. What is that going to do to a cardinal? Nothing, and making contact would be damn near impossible. I mean just look at these assholes, they’re the obvious meatheads of the animal kingdom.
Meanwhile the cardinal would just fly around pecking the ram until it collapsed exhausted and then calmly pluck its eyes out. Brutal, but efficient.
49ers vs Seahawks was easy because as I learned from the Audubon society, Seahawks don’t actually exist. But given that we are dealing with multiple mythical creatures, I’ll allow it and sub in an Osprey. I believe a wily old prospector, armed with only his wits and his gold pan, could dispatch an Osprey pretty quick with a well-timed wack or maybe just a nice exhalation of breath that has never known a toothbrush.
The AFC
A Bengal tiger would kill the shit out of a raven, see above. Bengals beat Ravens easily; quoth the Bengal, “Nevermore.”
Steelers vs Browns is our first matchup of human v human. The Browns are named after their original owner Paul Brown, which, I mean, Jesus WFT you can’t do worse than that. Steelers were named after the burly-ass steel workers who pour molten hot steel all day, get all sweaty, and as we learned from the Simpsons know how to party. Edge Steelers.
Dolphins vs Bills is another tough matchup as we have our first matchup with an aquatic animal (dolphin) vs a land animal (bison). The field would basically be a stadium with a pool at one end and astro turf at the other. Neither animal would be afforded food.
The Bison eats about 25 pounds of food per day. Similarly a full grown dolphin eats about 23 pounds of fish per day. So basically both animals would avoid the other’s turf as much as possible as both would have a distinct disadvantage there.
However, as both animals begin to starve to death, the dolphin would have one distinct advantage: water. Both animals need it to live, but only one lives in it. As the bison, deranged from lack of nutrients, gingerly approaches the edges to sip water to stave off death, the dolphin could mount quick nose jabs as he attempts to drink, preventing him from getting water and forcing the bison to expend energy on evasive maneuvers.
Eventually the bison would die from dehydration, and the emaciated dolphin would outlast him in one of the most brutal matchups of the first round.
No matchup in the first round illustrates America’s love of an overpowered military overdog like Jets vs Patriots. I’ve seen countless posts touting the superiority of laser-targeted smart missiles, the brutal efficiency of napalm-dumps, and the sheer speed a Jet could muster. But we should know a few things about Jets by now: they are expensive, have to be housed in massive hangars, and their precision is overrated.
What do we know about Patriots, the founders of our country? Masters at subversive, guerilla warfare. Able to take advantage of terrain to surprise their enemy. And successfully took over the airports of the massive British Army.
Given the fact that they had the wherewithal to not only assess but take over the airports of the British army despite planes not being invented for another 130 years, I have no doubt our wiley forefathers would be able to hide from the missiles and the strafes, avoid the napalm, and sabotage the Jets as they returned to their hangars to refuel.
Believe in the underdogs folks. Patriots over Jets.
Texans vs Colts is just cruel. These are baby horses, and we’re not dealing some idolized figure of a Texan. We’re dealing with your average Miller-Lite-swilling tank-wearing meth-snorting trailer park texan out of some shit hole like El Paso or Waco (don’t worry I can say this I’m from Alabama). He’d just run over the Colt with his 2005 Camaro and be done with it.
Another fallacy I’ve run into on twitter is that the Titans are a sure bet for the final four because they’re gods, and you can’t beat a god right? They’re immortal, all-powerful, right?
Really? Seen anyone making sacrifices to Hera lately? What about Zeus? When the leaves turn do we assume that Hades has taken Persephone again? Gods only exist because of our belief in them. Without belief, they are not only powerless, they cease to be.
Titans vs Jaguars would be decided by the Jaguar simply licking its paws and ignoring them. Hell it could be an army, they would simply disintegrate as they withered under the blasé gaze of the jungle cat, and no animal can do IDGAF like a cat.
Broncos vs Chiefs has already been decided in real life. Chiefs win as they use their bows, ropes, and general horsemanship to break the broncos and make them their bitches.
What exactly are the Chargers? Are they lightning bolts, as the nickname Bolts would suggest? If so this whole thing is over as energy can not be destroyed. Are they Superchargers, as their disco theme song would suggest, which means they are an inanimate car part, which could be soundly defeated by a socket wrench? Or are they a bunch of people “charging down the field,” as the original owner’s own words for naming the team would suggest?
Given that there is no team named “The Tesla Coils” (Washington? Anything?) I’m going to go with the above rather than the Bolts (not the official name or Mascot) nor their on-field Mascot (which would have turned this whole thing into a pillow fight). So they’re a bunch of people wearing sporty 60’s garb charging down the field.
Who get absolutely decimated and mauled as they get hacked and chopped to bits by the Raiders.
Disagree with my choices? Let’s get into a pointless fight on twitter, because that’s what it’s there for.